My New Life

I thought you all should know what's been happening in my life within this first week of recovery. Let's start off with my rules/suggestions set by my doctor and therapist:

1. No exercise outside of ballet (going to the gym, etc)
2. 6 small meals a day, I usually end up getting 5 due to my schedule (breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, post-ballet snack)
3. At least 4 of my meals must have a protein 
4. My meals must be supervised (either eaten with my parents or someone who my parents trust must tell them what I ate)
5. I need to keep a food log
6. My new therapist suggests that I may not be stable enough to be in a relationship based on this problem and others that I've told her about 
7. Weekly weight-checks at the doctors office (includes urine samples, blood pressure checks a plenty, and I have to put on a gown to be weighed to ensure I haven't planted weights in my clothes)
8. My meals need to be on a clock, I have to eat at that time whether I'm hungry or not

Those are all the one's I can think of that I have to follow, it's been very very difficult. I'm going to see my new nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders this upcoming Friday, I'm really looking forward to that! My numbers on Monday, apparently, made my doctor very nervous but guess what...my numbers on Friday were better. Not as good as they maybe could be, but still....improvement, she's not so nervous anymore. When they weigh me they make me step on the scale backwards so I don't see the weight, that kills me. Honestly I don't know how much I weigh right now, and it really bothers me. I know it's great that I'm getting better but....I know I'm gaining. I'm still terrified of the amount of food I have to eat. I put on a brave face at meal times and make it seem like I'm totally fine, and I've stopped taking my diet pills which took a big push on my part but...I don't know. 

Honestly, the only reasons I eat now are 1) so I can dance (my teacher didn't let me go through my whole class on Monday when I told her what happened that day) and 2) so I'm allowed to go to the gym again. My therapist had me tell her my goals for my weight and I told her in an ideal world I'd be 105 lbs, but with all the muscle I have-that's impossible. So I told her that with reality in mind I'd like to be 110/115 lbs. She said 110 might be a stretch but she doesn't see why I can't lose 10 lbs and be 115:) Not going to lie, I was stoked when I heard that one of the goal weights I have that I'd be ok with is healthy! While I honestly do not want to eat, I'm going to have to. Some days are worse than other but...I'm going to push through.

Right now...I'm determined to be 115 lbs. I'm going to get there in a healthy way. I'm going to get to wherever my doctor and all those people need me to be so I can go to the gym, and eat healthy. My nutritionist will hopefully be a big help and...I just hope I don't fall. I hope I can do this in a healthy way instead of starving myself. I want my period to go back to normal and I want my hair to stop falling out and I want my nails to not break so easily and I want to not bruise so easily. I'll get all that. I'll get to my goals in a healthy way. 

I just hope you all understand that it'll take a long time for me to recover...I still don't eat too much and I'm trying to work up to being able to have more than 800 calories a day without feeling sick. 

Thank you all for the support, it means a lot. 

-Madeline

P.S. Starting in October I'm going to be in a support group of 3 girls, including myself, who struggle with the same things I do...:)