Merry Christmas and Updates/Apologies

Merry Christmas to all! I hope you all have had a lovely day and that you continue to have a splendid holiday season:)

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, my laptop finally kicked the bucket shortly after my last post and I haven't really had enough access to another computer to post:( Luckily, my parents gave into my pleas for a new laptop for Christmas and this one will not die anytime soon if I have anything to say about it!

So, recently I finished the 1st half of my junior year! 3 A's, a B and a C! That B used to be a C but I pulled it up, so I'm pretty happy about all that! Also, I finished my show that I was in but sadly at the beginning of my last dance (which I finished!) I sprained the joint in the middle of my left foot where all the bones connect:( Due to this injury I had to miss out on doing my solo dance at a winter arts festival, but I only have a little over a week till I hopefully get out of my immobilizing boot and crutches. Thank God. Something really exciting for me also happened having to do with the show I was in; an article was written about me and my dancing in the online website "InMenlo." That was really exciting and you can click here to read that! *after you've finished reading this post of course;)

As far as my eating/self-image goes, the group therapy I was in just ended a little while ago and it went so well we're starting up again next month. I feel like I learned a lot from it and it wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it'd be. The group focused a lot on what we thought women were/what women should be and how we view ourselves. It also really focused on being mindful and stopping the cycle of stress/self-hate. I learned how to eat and breathe mindfully and how to take steps to try and prevent the end result of stress for me: not eating.

Despite all this I still find myself being very uncomfortable with how I look and now I can't even de-stress by dancing going to the gym to work out due to my injury. I try to keep telling myself I'm fine but I really don't feel it, and as much as I don't want to eat the majority of the time I do. I have found that I've really hated wearing form-fitting clothing and always end up wearing a giant sweatshirt and jeans. The other day I practically had a break down because I wanted to look nice and wear something pretty but I didn't feel comfortable in anything but baggy, drapey clothes.

I suppose this is a journey, just like anything else, hopefully I'll be able to dance and work out again soon and I won't freak out so much.

Happy Holidays<3
Madeline

Group

Hello again all! Quick update on my physical health: My vitals have continued to be stable and are improving, I've seen my nutritionist twice now and my new therapist 3 times, and my doctor countless times! I earned 1 work out back a few weeks ago (30 minute run and 15 minutes of weights) and last time I went I earned another! I decided to move that to go for 1 work out a week at the gym but for longer (45 minute run and 15 minutes of weights) I really wanna work up to an hour of running again....I miss it<3 Since my body's been getting what it needs I've gained soo much muscle-it's ridiculous(ly awesome)

 I love feeling healthy and not feeling as though I'm about to faint all the time but at the same time I can't help but to occasionally enjoy the familiar numbing feeling of hunger...

SO. To the main point of this post, tomorrow I start going to group sessions. If I remember correctly the group has 3 other girls besides me (don't quote me on that) and it's not specifically for teens with eating disorders but for teens who have serious body image issues and could be approaching serious eating disorders or have already fallen into the trap of eating disorders. That's me!

I'm not gonna lie...I'm nervous, I am a little worried that possibly hearing the other girls talk about their experience and talking about mine might trigger me. Just the thought of hearing how much weight the other girls may have lost compared to how much I'd lost, freaks me out and makes me wanna lose more. I also admit that I do skip the occasional meal/snack when I'm feeling depressed just because I honestly can't handle food when I'm depressed-it stresses me out to no end to eat.

Sigh...I'm tired, it's been a busy and amazing weekend that I will never forget! I'll post when I can and tell you all how group went.

-Madeline

My New Life

I thought you all should know what's been happening in my life within this first week of recovery. Let's start off with my rules/suggestions set by my doctor and therapist:

1. No exercise outside of ballet (going to the gym, etc)
2. 6 small meals a day, I usually end up getting 5 due to my schedule (breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, post-ballet snack)
3. At least 4 of my meals must have a protein 
4. My meals must be supervised (either eaten with my parents or someone who my parents trust must tell them what I ate)
5. I need to keep a food log
6. My new therapist suggests that I may not be stable enough to be in a relationship based on this problem and others that I've told her about 
7. Weekly weight-checks at the doctors office (includes urine samples, blood pressure checks a plenty, and I have to put on a gown to be weighed to ensure I haven't planted weights in my clothes)
8. My meals need to be on a clock, I have to eat at that time whether I'm hungry or not

Those are all the one's I can think of that I have to follow, it's been very very difficult. I'm going to see my new nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders this upcoming Friday, I'm really looking forward to that! My numbers on Monday, apparently, made my doctor very nervous but guess what...my numbers on Friday were better. Not as good as they maybe could be, but still....improvement, she's not so nervous anymore. When they weigh me they make me step on the scale backwards so I don't see the weight, that kills me. Honestly I don't know how much I weigh right now, and it really bothers me. I know it's great that I'm getting better but....I know I'm gaining. I'm still terrified of the amount of food I have to eat. I put on a brave face at meal times and make it seem like I'm totally fine, and I've stopped taking my diet pills which took a big push on my part but...I don't know. 

Honestly, the only reasons I eat now are 1) so I can dance (my teacher didn't let me go through my whole class on Monday when I told her what happened that day) and 2) so I'm allowed to go to the gym again. My therapist had me tell her my goals for my weight and I told her in an ideal world I'd be 105 lbs, but with all the muscle I have-that's impossible. So I told her that with reality in mind I'd like to be 110/115 lbs. She said 110 might be a stretch but she doesn't see why I can't lose 10 lbs and be 115:) Not going to lie, I was stoked when I heard that one of the goal weights I have that I'd be ok with is healthy! While I honestly do not want to eat, I'm going to have to. Some days are worse than other but...I'm going to push through.

Right now...I'm determined to be 115 lbs. I'm going to get there in a healthy way. I'm going to get to wherever my doctor and all those people need me to be so I can go to the gym, and eat healthy. My nutritionist will hopefully be a big help and...I just hope I don't fall. I hope I can do this in a healthy way instead of starving myself. I want my period to go back to normal and I want my hair to stop falling out and I want my nails to not break so easily and I want to not bruise so easily. I'll get all that. I'll get to my goals in a healthy way. 

I just hope you all understand that it'll take a long time for me to recover...I still don't eat too much and I'm trying to work up to being able to have more than 800 calories a day without feeling sick. 

Thank you all for the support, it means a lot. 

-Madeline

P.S. Starting in October I'm going to be in a support group of 3 girls, including myself, who struggle with the same things I do...:)

Mirages

Today....I'm not at school...I'm going to try to go later but right now, I'm laying in bed and I feel weak. I woke up with a horrible pain in my stomach and I feel like throwing up. I texted my dad that I didn't feel well and he came in and I thought maybe it was something I ate. He asked what I had to eat yesterday and I knew I didn't have breakfast, and we all went to the Indian restaurant near my house for Sunday lunch, and then I asked what we'd had for dinner cause I thought I'd had dinner. He reminded me that I wasn't with them for dinner, I'd left the house to go to the park. My mind had actually tricked me into thinking I'd eaten more than I had. This actually happens all the time, I always think I've had a meal when I actually haven't, this makes it even easier to pretend I don't have a problem.

Yesterday, I went to an hour and a half long advanced ballet class on an empty stomach. I came back, ate a granola bar then went to the gym and ran 5 miles in an hour, came home ate nothing. I came out of my room to go out with one of my friends and my parents are making dinner. I said I was going out and they asked if I'd be eating with my friend. I said I would and they told me someone had sent them the link to this blog.....I got mad, asked them who and when they wouldn't tell me I stormed out slamming the door and the gate behind me. I did eat with my friend. I ate a lot more than I generally would've and brought home proof that I ate (the box my tuna sandwich came in). I came home late, when I said I'd be home early, and my dad was sitting there with a pile of research on the female athlete triad and how many calories are required to survive.

The female athlete triad are the 3 things becoming increasingly common among female athletes. They are 1)eating disorders 2)loss of a menstrual cycle and 3)bone loss. As you know I have number 1 already, and I have a low degree of number 2, my period decreased my 2 days.  So...now I'm paranoid I'm going to hurt my bones. It also said that a less active person needs at least 600 calories a day to survive. I do tons of ballet and Saturday I ran 5 miles in an hour...I'm very active...so...technically if I keep going like this...I probably won't survive. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. But I'm going to get help...

My parents are going to try to get me into an eating disorder support group so I can get help. I need to lay down but...I just thought you all would like to know.

-Madeline

this is odd.

So...I just got back from ballet class not too long ago, got home washed up a bit and came here....I started looking at my thinspo feed on Tumblr and I started my daily ritual of sitting/standing on/by my bed in my underwear and just standing there looking at myself in the mirror. Pointing out everything about my body that should change. I literally do this everyday, sometimes I'll do it on and off for hours. Not because I'm vain-no not at all, but because I feel like if I look at all the things about my body that I hate so much for long enough and wish hard enough...I feel like maybe they'll go away faster.
Thursday, I started a rather....extreme diet. I'm not too comfortable saying what this diet is simply because I know a ton of people read this blog now. (thank you very much for all the support, but make sure this blog gets to everyone who needs some help as well) But, I've already lost a pound or two from it and I've been working out like crazy. I've been having around 400 calories, generally a tad less, per day in this diet and...I haven't been hungry. That's what worries me a tad.
But anyway, I was looking in the mirror during my "ritual" and obviously during ballet class as well and....for the first time in a while, I felt the smallest hint of self-acceptance. Of course it didn't last for long before I felt so ashamed I went and put a bunch of baggy clothes on but....for the smallest instances this morning. I felt pretty. I felt like I'd reached my goal, even though I haven't by a long shot...
I just hope this might mean I'm starting to heal...just maybe, I thought I'd share this with you all:)

-Madeline

P.S. I'll keep you posted on whether I keep feeling better or worse again.

Community

So, I have something to talk about. This is why a lot of anorexics like myself never get better, or at least have a very very hard time getting better. The community that comes with it. In normal society, I know I feel like nobody understands my need to be thin. When I try and talk about it with my friends about it, they just tell me "just eat" like it's easy. Eating is one of the most painful, embarrassing, and disgusting things in my life. I'm not bulimic but, honestly..when I eat around people or I see people eating, it makes me feel physically sick and I sometimes have to throw up cause I just can't help it. It's like when you see/smell something really gross and suddenly have to vomit. But, when you go on Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube, Blogspot, anywhere, there's a community of people who think the same way you do.

You can post that your doing a liquid fast, for example, and people will comment and do it with you. When you post that you've lost weight or gotten to one of your goal weights, even though you're doing it in an unhealthy way, everyone's so happy for you. You post progress pictures and your favorite thinspo's and people support them entirely. They don't force you to eat, in face , they almost encourage you not to...which yes-isn't healthy...but it's support and they understand when you're having a hard time and they understand when you've eaten that day and feel like a failure. The support system, however unhealthy, in the world of eating disorders is massive.

This is why it's so hard to leave these people, you grow to care about them, and you want to know when they reach their goal weights and when they're having days where they feel like they can't do it, and they feel the same about you. It makes you feel so good about yourself. It makes you feel like you're not alone.

Sorry.

I'm so terribly sorry for not posting for so long, I've really wanted to but having this blog and having these thoughts I have in the front of my mind all the time cause I'm trying to figure out what I should post about next made everything way worse. I'll just post when I feel I really have something to talk about. '

Love
-Madeline

Bad Day

I know I posted yesterday, but I need to vent...so I'm going out with a friend soon and I was trying to figure out what to wear. Every single outfit or piece of clothing I put on makes me look even fatter than I already am....I've changed my clothes 23 times, scratched myself with my nails hoping all this fat would go away if I clawed at it enough...I just....want to be perfect. I just feel like if I get to be the perfect size then my career as a ballet dancer will be so much easier, people will love me and I'll love myself...I feel like everywhere I go everyone looks at me and thinks "god, that girl's such a porker"  I just feel so terribly fat and overweight all the time. I feel fat and gross and ugly. And all the art and things keep falling off the walls in my room and it makes me feel like I'm falling apart and I'm empty, they won't stay. My eating's starting to effect my hormones because normally I have 5 day long periods and the one I just had was only 3 days...my skin's acting up cause of it too. I've had this thinking in my brain for so long, I don't think I know what I look like anymore. My friends tell me that I'm really skinny but all I can see in the mirror is a cow. I want to see what I actually look like.
To be honest, I was doing decent for a while until something happened about half way through my summer and...something inside me just snapped and it was my last straw. It made me rethink if I ever want to get married or have kids. It just confirmed that I'll never be good enough for anyone. You'll all probably think this is disgusting but, I'm going to share my weight loss goals with you.

• weight goal: 105 lbs (c: 119) 
• measurement goals: upper arm: 6.5/7.5 (current: 9.5), hips: 30 (c:35), upper thigh: 14.75 (c:22), calf: 10.5 (c:12.5)

so.....I just.....don't know what to do, I'm sort of having a break down at the moment. This still is an anti-ana page but that doesn't mean I don't have horrible goals and issues with it. Sorry for this rant ish thing....I just think you guys should see that I have really bad days, too. 

Stains

One of the worst parts of this disease is that it stains you for life. Even when you have recovered, you're not recovered. Even if you eat normally every day, if you'd gotten deep enough into this, you're permanently physically and emotionally injured. The effects are what scare me the most. I bruise easily, my hair falls out easily, when I trim my nails it can sometimes feel like cutting through butter. There are days when you feel normal, sometimes you feel strong, but under it all...you really are weak even if you're really good at hiding it. Also, while on the subject of strength, part of the problem is that being able to feel strong for resisting makes you think it's ok. I know when I choose to only have for example 1 slice of pizza as opposed to the norm of 2 I feel like a strong person, when all my friends are having 2 and some of them go back for more and there I am, being "good". It's a very empowering feeling. But how can something that can make you feel like you've never been stronger, cripple you and make you so weak. We get so good at hiding it from others that we usually hide it from ourselves.

This is the part of the post I haven't been looking forward to. This past week since I posted last...emotionally I've been good I think. I did have a panic attack though, it was about a level 7 and after 3 hours I brought it down to a 3 or a 4. While I have been feeling ok, I haven't been eating much. Monday I didn't eat anything all day until after going to ballet for 3 hours, after that I had a smoothie. Yesterday I had half a sandwich and a slice of pizza. Today, for breakfast I had a hard boiled egg. If you'd like I can keep more careful track of what I'm eating and post that once a week. I'm still 5'4, my waist:24, hips: 35, bust: 32, thigh: 21, upper arm: 9 and I weight: 119...so, next week I'll keep a log of what I eat and post that, and I was glad to hear from people who read my last post that they were really inspired and I hope this post will get people thinking and help more people.

Keep fighting.

Hello

If you're coming here by yourself or from my other blog, The Mess, welcome. This is a more serious page about something I'm sensitive about but also think is very important for people to be aware of and such. This page is about my ongoing battle with anorexia nervosa. I have been in therapy and am getting better, but I have bad days, sometimes weeks. I know you're probably thinking I'm either doing this for attention or that this is a pro-anorexia page. Neither of these are true. I think I should give you a bit of the back story.

My therapist says I've had an eating disorder since around 1st grade. She asked me when I thought, for the first time, that I was fat and that I needed to fix that. I remember that day very vividly. I was in 1st grade and my mom was taking me home from school, I used to run a lot when I was little I raced all the guys and was obsessed with being faster than all of them. I ran to the car and asked my mom if the reason my thighs were bigger than everyone else's was because they were strong from my running and dancing. (I've also done ballet since kindergarten, but I'll get into that in a bit) She said that I was crazy and that I was really skinny, I weighed about 45/55 pounds in 1st grade I believe. I was a really tiny kid, I love my parents and my family so much, and they're getting healthy now and they look great but when I was younger, they were very overweight. I don't blame my family and I don't want this to hurt them, but I was always so scared to grow up and not be skinny. It terrified me the thought of gaining weight, still does. From that day on, I sucked in my stomach all the time, I lifted my stomach had perfect posture and never relaxed my stomach muscles except when I slept I suppose. I kept running and dancing and I was generally the skinniest girl in my class. Never felt uncomfortable or large in a ballet class, I was flat chested, had a bony butt and looked like a "classic" ballerina. I got into schools and was one of the great dancers in the classes.

Then I started puberty. I started very late, I got my first period towards the end of 8th grade and was a small B at my largest cup size. I weighed 95 pounds all through middle school and starting off in high school too. Then puberty reeally kicked in freshman year, I went up to a C cup and finally broke 100 pounds. I took a break from dance and my knees got injured from running so I couldn't run too much anymore. I got up to 130 but when I broke 100 I hated myself so much. I felt like such a failure. I just wanted to scratch and claw and pull out my hair and I wanted to eat so bad but I didn't. I would purposefully make myself depressed so I wouldn't feel like eating. For a while I didn't really eat anything but cheese and juice. A couple times I've lost like 5-10 pounds in a week or so...I felt horrible all the time. I wore baggy clothes cause I felt huge and I couldn't stand mirrors. When I went back to dance in sophomore year I felt fat all the time...I had D cups and a very curvy hour glass shape. Which I still have however currently, please know that it's difficult for me to share my weight because I still hate it, I'm 120 pounds, 5'4, and I am a 30D, but I have to wear 32's and 34's cause they don't make 30's. My waist measures 25 and my hips measure 35, I still feel fat. My BMI is 20.6. I am getting better but all I had to eat yesterday was a bagel, a smoothie and a rather small wrap. I eat a diet pill with every meal that takes fat that would be stored and uses it for energy so you can burn more fat. I've been at 120 for a while because since I do ballet seriously I'm mostly muscle.

I'm doing this to be one of the few sufferers of this disease that is totally up front about it...I don't want to hide anymore. I'll be posting here about once a week and tell you how I'm doing. Please feel free to email me at mduttongillett@gmail.com if you have questions or concerns.

Let's fight.