Mirages

Today....I'm not at school...I'm going to try to go later but right now, I'm laying in bed and I feel weak. I woke up with a horrible pain in my stomach and I feel like throwing up. I texted my dad that I didn't feel well and he came in and I thought maybe it was something I ate. He asked what I had to eat yesterday and I knew I didn't have breakfast, and we all went to the Indian restaurant near my house for Sunday lunch, and then I asked what we'd had for dinner cause I thought I'd had dinner. He reminded me that I wasn't with them for dinner, I'd left the house to go to the park. My mind had actually tricked me into thinking I'd eaten more than I had. This actually happens all the time, I always think I've had a meal when I actually haven't, this makes it even easier to pretend I don't have a problem.

Yesterday, I went to an hour and a half long advanced ballet class on an empty stomach. I came back, ate a granola bar then went to the gym and ran 5 miles in an hour, came home ate nothing. I came out of my room to go out with one of my friends and my parents are making dinner. I said I was going out and they asked if I'd be eating with my friend. I said I would and they told me someone had sent them the link to this blog.....I got mad, asked them who and when they wouldn't tell me I stormed out slamming the door and the gate behind me. I did eat with my friend. I ate a lot more than I generally would've and brought home proof that I ate (the box my tuna sandwich came in). I came home late, when I said I'd be home early, and my dad was sitting there with a pile of research on the female athlete triad and how many calories are required to survive.

The female athlete triad are the 3 things becoming increasingly common among female athletes. They are 1)eating disorders 2)loss of a menstrual cycle and 3)bone loss. As you know I have number 1 already, and I have a low degree of number 2, my period decreased my 2 days.  So...now I'm paranoid I'm going to hurt my bones. It also said that a less active person needs at least 600 calories a day to survive. I do tons of ballet and Saturday I ran 5 miles in an hour...I'm very active...so...technically if I keep going like this...I probably won't survive. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. But I'm going to get help...

My parents are going to try to get me into an eating disorder support group so I can get help. I need to lay down but...I just thought you all would like to know.

-Madeline