Hopelessness

I don't know how to start this. I'm just mad, and upset, and I feel...well, hopeless.

Everyone always tells me that my perception of beauty is warped and I agree...but I only agree because clearly it's warped from what common society thinks is beautiful. 

My friends, family, and boyfriend all tell me how beautiful they think I am, and I'm sure that, to them, I am; but I've never been beautiful to myself and I honestly don't think I ever will be. I do everything right. I eat what I'm supposed to, I exercise...I do what I'm supposed to. No matter how much I do to lose weight and try to get to the me that I've wanted to be my whole life, I look in the mirror and want to scream and cry and just...stop existing because I don't see the point of living in a body that I don't want. A body that I never asked for. A body that isn't beautiful, or skinny, or worth anything. I see my body as a shell that I'm forced to be in. I just don't see a way out because no matter how much I exercise and eat right...it never gets better. No matter how much I do these things I still stand in front of the mirror and think about how unbelievably fat I am. 

My default for thinking this has always been, "Oh, just kidding...I'm curvy." I never really believed it but, every time I look in a mirror and try to tell myself that I'm just a woman, and this is how women look...I can't help but think of the women who are actually perfect. The women my family look at and think that they're gross and unhealthy...those are the women I truly think are beautiful. They're the women I would give up so much to be like. If I were like them, I would get into a ballet company, and I wouldn't sit at my computer crying and blogging about how much I hate myself because...I'd actually be happy if I were like them. 

But still...I go on driving myself insane trying to fix myself even though it'll never fucking work. Even though I know I'll never achieve my dreams. Even though I know that I'll never be like those girls no matter how hard I work or how much I deserve it. Even though...I'll never love myself. 

This is just the way it is. I can't help it. I've tried to stop thinking about these things and find some semblance of inner peace and self-acceptance but....neither of those things exist within me...and that's how I'll end up living forever. 

A person trapped inside a fat body that will never have hope. 

-Madeline

P.S. I'm having a terrible day and I just don't have the strength to hide my feelings about this like I usually do...thanks for listening.

My Opinion: Tumblr's New Self-Harm Policy

Hello you all, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while but I swear have several drafts that just never got finished!

So, as you may not know, I write for my school's online newspaper and one of the other journalists (Hannah Ellefritz) wrote about Tumblr's new policy on the promotion of self-harm, which they're defining as content promoting self-mutilation, suicide, and eating disorders.

As you can imagine I'm going to be primarily talking about my opinion regarding their new ban on the glorification of eating disorders. You probably think that I of all people think this is a great policy change, and I do in most respects. The reason Tumblr is just now updating their site with this policy is because they wanted the website to be a place where users can fully express themselves, their ideals, and their feelings regardless of the content.

Most of you probably know that I have a blog on Tumblr, I have 2 actually. One is my public page that I tell my friends about, but the other is a blog promoting my eating disorder. I reblog thinspiration pictures and my progress; well, I used to. I am subscribed to a lot of thinspiration blogs on Tumblr even though I eat relatively normally now and I still reblog some of the pictures they post because even though I know it's unhealthy I think it's beautiful and that's still what I want my body to be.

When I heard about this policy change, I will admit, I felt worried, sad, and anxious. I've been fighting with anorexia for a long time and this past year or so...it's been taken away from me. Yes, anorexia is terrible and I felt weak all the time, but it's a part of me. It's a part of who I've been for the majority of my life. I've grown accustomed to hating myself and the way I look and that became my life, it still is my life. Now I go about the whole thing in a healthier way but...I'll be honest, it's hard to have this taken away.

Whenever I logged onto Tumblr and I saw all those perfect girls I felt somewhat comforted. Now, my blog will probably be taken down along with all the thinspiration blogs I follow. I do think this is a good policy change and it will probably help to prevent people like me from relapsing, I feel a strong sense of loss.

Please don't think that I'm against this change. I don't think that thinspiration, self-mutilation, suicide, or any other self-harm should be promoted or glorified. It just may take me a while to "recover" from losing this part of my life entirely. Losing those pictures, that community of people who are all going through exactly what you're going through. I'll get over it. Hopefully this policy helps everyone with this disorder and prevents future  men and women from having this terrible disease.

If you'd like to read the article on the M-A Bear News website, click here.