Everyone always tells me that my perception of beauty is warped and I agree...but I only agree because clearly it's warped from what common society thinks is beautiful.
My friends, family, and boyfriend all tell me how beautiful they think I am, and I'm sure that, to them, I am; but I've never been beautiful to myself and I honestly don't think I ever will be. I do everything right. I eat what I'm supposed to, I exercise...I do what I'm supposed to. No matter how much I do to lose weight and try to get to the me that I've wanted to be my whole life, I look in the mirror and want to scream and cry and just...stop existing because I don't see the point of living in a body that I don't want. A body that I never asked for. A body that isn't beautiful, or skinny, or worth anything. I see my body as a shell that I'm forced to be in. I just don't see a way out because no matter how much I exercise and eat right...it never gets better. No matter how much I do these things I still stand in front of the mirror and think about how unbelievably fat I am.
My default for thinking this has always been, "Oh, just kidding...I'm curvy." I never really believed it but, every time I look in a mirror and try to tell myself that I'm just a woman, and this is how women look...I can't help but think of the women who are actually perfect. The women my family look at and think that they're gross and unhealthy...those are the women I truly think are beautiful. They're the women I would give up so much to be like. If I were like them, I would get into a ballet company, and I wouldn't sit at my computer crying and blogging about how much I hate myself because...I'd actually be happy if I were like them.
But still...I go on driving myself insane trying to fix myself even though it'll never fucking work. Even though I know I'll never achieve my dreams. Even though I know that I'll never be like those girls no matter how hard I work or how much I deserve it. Even though...I'll never love myself.
This is just the way it is. I can't help it. I've tried to stop thinking about these things and find some semblance of inner peace and self-acceptance but....neither of those things exist within me...and that's how I'll end up living forever.
A person trapped inside a fat body that will never have hope.
-Madeline
P.S. I'm having a terrible day and I just don't have the strength to hide my feelings about this like I usually do...thanks for listening.
P.S. I'm having a terrible day and I just don't have the strength to hide my feelings about this like I usually do...thanks for listening.
