My New Life

I thought you all should know what's been happening in my life within this first week of recovery. Let's start off with my rules/suggestions set by my doctor and therapist:

1. No exercise outside of ballet (going to the gym, etc)
2. 6 small meals a day, I usually end up getting 5 due to my schedule (breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, post-ballet snack)
3. At least 4 of my meals must have a protein 
4. My meals must be supervised (either eaten with my parents or someone who my parents trust must tell them what I ate)
5. I need to keep a food log
6. My new therapist suggests that I may not be stable enough to be in a relationship based on this problem and others that I've told her about 
7. Weekly weight-checks at the doctors office (includes urine samples, blood pressure checks a plenty, and I have to put on a gown to be weighed to ensure I haven't planted weights in my clothes)
8. My meals need to be on a clock, I have to eat at that time whether I'm hungry or not

Those are all the one's I can think of that I have to follow, it's been very very difficult. I'm going to see my new nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders this upcoming Friday, I'm really looking forward to that! My numbers on Monday, apparently, made my doctor very nervous but guess what...my numbers on Friday were better. Not as good as they maybe could be, but still....improvement, she's not so nervous anymore. When they weigh me they make me step on the scale backwards so I don't see the weight, that kills me. Honestly I don't know how much I weigh right now, and it really bothers me. I know it's great that I'm getting better but....I know I'm gaining. I'm still terrified of the amount of food I have to eat. I put on a brave face at meal times and make it seem like I'm totally fine, and I've stopped taking my diet pills which took a big push on my part but...I don't know. 

Honestly, the only reasons I eat now are 1) so I can dance (my teacher didn't let me go through my whole class on Monday when I told her what happened that day) and 2) so I'm allowed to go to the gym again. My therapist had me tell her my goals for my weight and I told her in an ideal world I'd be 105 lbs, but with all the muscle I have-that's impossible. So I told her that with reality in mind I'd like to be 110/115 lbs. She said 110 might be a stretch but she doesn't see why I can't lose 10 lbs and be 115:) Not going to lie, I was stoked when I heard that one of the goal weights I have that I'd be ok with is healthy! While I honestly do not want to eat, I'm going to have to. Some days are worse than other but...I'm going to push through.

Right now...I'm determined to be 115 lbs. I'm going to get there in a healthy way. I'm going to get to wherever my doctor and all those people need me to be so I can go to the gym, and eat healthy. My nutritionist will hopefully be a big help and...I just hope I don't fall. I hope I can do this in a healthy way instead of starving myself. I want my period to go back to normal and I want my hair to stop falling out and I want my nails to not break so easily and I want to not bruise so easily. I'll get all that. I'll get to my goals in a healthy way. 

I just hope you all understand that it'll take a long time for me to recover...I still don't eat too much and I'm trying to work up to being able to have more than 800 calories a day without feeling sick. 

Thank you all for the support, it means a lot. 

-Madeline

P.S. Starting in October I'm going to be in a support group of 3 girls, including myself, who struggle with the same things I do...:)

Mirages

Today....I'm not at school...I'm going to try to go later but right now, I'm laying in bed and I feel weak. I woke up with a horrible pain in my stomach and I feel like throwing up. I texted my dad that I didn't feel well and he came in and I thought maybe it was something I ate. He asked what I had to eat yesterday and I knew I didn't have breakfast, and we all went to the Indian restaurant near my house for Sunday lunch, and then I asked what we'd had for dinner cause I thought I'd had dinner. He reminded me that I wasn't with them for dinner, I'd left the house to go to the park. My mind had actually tricked me into thinking I'd eaten more than I had. This actually happens all the time, I always think I've had a meal when I actually haven't, this makes it even easier to pretend I don't have a problem.

Yesterday, I went to an hour and a half long advanced ballet class on an empty stomach. I came back, ate a granola bar then went to the gym and ran 5 miles in an hour, came home ate nothing. I came out of my room to go out with one of my friends and my parents are making dinner. I said I was going out and they asked if I'd be eating with my friend. I said I would and they told me someone had sent them the link to this blog.....I got mad, asked them who and when they wouldn't tell me I stormed out slamming the door and the gate behind me. I did eat with my friend. I ate a lot more than I generally would've and brought home proof that I ate (the box my tuna sandwich came in). I came home late, when I said I'd be home early, and my dad was sitting there with a pile of research on the female athlete triad and how many calories are required to survive.

The female athlete triad are the 3 things becoming increasingly common among female athletes. They are 1)eating disorders 2)loss of a menstrual cycle and 3)bone loss. As you know I have number 1 already, and I have a low degree of number 2, my period decreased my 2 days.  So...now I'm paranoid I'm going to hurt my bones. It also said that a less active person needs at least 600 calories a day to survive. I do tons of ballet and Saturday I ran 5 miles in an hour...I'm very active...so...technically if I keep going like this...I probably won't survive. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. But I'm going to get help...

My parents are going to try to get me into an eating disorder support group so I can get help. I need to lay down but...I just thought you all would like to know.

-Madeline

this is odd.

So...I just got back from ballet class not too long ago, got home washed up a bit and came here....I started looking at my thinspo feed on Tumblr and I started my daily ritual of sitting/standing on/by my bed in my underwear and just standing there looking at myself in the mirror. Pointing out everything about my body that should change. I literally do this everyday, sometimes I'll do it on and off for hours. Not because I'm vain-no not at all, but because I feel like if I look at all the things about my body that I hate so much for long enough and wish hard enough...I feel like maybe they'll go away faster.
Thursday, I started a rather....extreme diet. I'm not too comfortable saying what this diet is simply because I know a ton of people read this blog now. (thank you very much for all the support, but make sure this blog gets to everyone who needs some help as well) But, I've already lost a pound or two from it and I've been working out like crazy. I've been having around 400 calories, generally a tad less, per day in this diet and...I haven't been hungry. That's what worries me a tad.
But anyway, I was looking in the mirror during my "ritual" and obviously during ballet class as well and....for the first time in a while, I felt the smallest hint of self-acceptance. Of course it didn't last for long before I felt so ashamed I went and put a bunch of baggy clothes on but....for the smallest instances this morning. I felt pretty. I felt like I'd reached my goal, even though I haven't by a long shot...
I just hope this might mean I'm starting to heal...just maybe, I thought I'd share this with you all:)

-Madeline

P.S. I'll keep you posted on whether I keep feeling better or worse again.

Community

So, I have something to talk about. This is why a lot of anorexics like myself never get better, or at least have a very very hard time getting better. The community that comes with it. In normal society, I know I feel like nobody understands my need to be thin. When I try and talk about it with my friends about it, they just tell me "just eat" like it's easy. Eating is one of the most painful, embarrassing, and disgusting things in my life. I'm not bulimic but, honestly..when I eat around people or I see people eating, it makes me feel physically sick and I sometimes have to throw up cause I just can't help it. It's like when you see/smell something really gross and suddenly have to vomit. But, when you go on Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube, Blogspot, anywhere, there's a community of people who think the same way you do.

You can post that your doing a liquid fast, for example, and people will comment and do it with you. When you post that you've lost weight or gotten to one of your goal weights, even though you're doing it in an unhealthy way, everyone's so happy for you. You post progress pictures and your favorite thinspo's and people support them entirely. They don't force you to eat, in face , they almost encourage you not to...which yes-isn't healthy...but it's support and they understand when you're having a hard time and they understand when you've eaten that day and feel like a failure. The support system, however unhealthy, in the world of eating disorders is massive.

This is why it's so hard to leave these people, you grow to care about them, and you want to know when they reach their goal weights and when they're having days where they feel like they can't do it, and they feel the same about you. It makes you feel so good about yourself. It makes you feel like you're not alone.

Sorry.

I'm so terribly sorry for not posting for so long, I've really wanted to but having this blog and having these thoughts I have in the front of my mind all the time cause I'm trying to figure out what I should post about next made everything way worse. I'll just post when I feel I really have something to talk about. '

Love
-Madeline