Bad Day

I know I posted yesterday, but I need to vent...so I'm going out with a friend soon and I was trying to figure out what to wear. Every single outfit or piece of clothing I put on makes me look even fatter than I already am....I've changed my clothes 23 times, scratched myself with my nails hoping all this fat would go away if I clawed at it enough...I just....want to be perfect. I just feel like if I get to be the perfect size then my career as a ballet dancer will be so much easier, people will love me and I'll love myself...I feel like everywhere I go everyone looks at me and thinks "god, that girl's such a porker"  I just feel so terribly fat and overweight all the time. I feel fat and gross and ugly. And all the art and things keep falling off the walls in my room and it makes me feel like I'm falling apart and I'm empty, they won't stay. My eating's starting to effect my hormones because normally I have 5 day long periods and the one I just had was only 3 days...my skin's acting up cause of it too. I've had this thinking in my brain for so long, I don't think I know what I look like anymore. My friends tell me that I'm really skinny but all I can see in the mirror is a cow. I want to see what I actually look like.
To be honest, I was doing decent for a while until something happened about half way through my summer and...something inside me just snapped and it was my last straw. It made me rethink if I ever want to get married or have kids. It just confirmed that I'll never be good enough for anyone. You'll all probably think this is disgusting but, I'm going to share my weight loss goals with you.

• weight goal: 105 lbs (c: 119) 
• measurement goals: upper arm: 6.5/7.5 (current: 9.5), hips: 30 (c:35), upper thigh: 14.75 (c:22), calf: 10.5 (c:12.5)

so.....I just.....don't know what to do, I'm sort of having a break down at the moment. This still is an anti-ana page but that doesn't mean I don't have horrible goals and issues with it. Sorry for this rant ish thing....I just think you guys should see that I have really bad days, too. 

Stains

One of the worst parts of this disease is that it stains you for life. Even when you have recovered, you're not recovered. Even if you eat normally every day, if you'd gotten deep enough into this, you're permanently physically and emotionally injured. The effects are what scare me the most. I bruise easily, my hair falls out easily, when I trim my nails it can sometimes feel like cutting through butter. There are days when you feel normal, sometimes you feel strong, but under it all...you really are weak even if you're really good at hiding it. Also, while on the subject of strength, part of the problem is that being able to feel strong for resisting makes you think it's ok. I know when I choose to only have for example 1 slice of pizza as opposed to the norm of 2 I feel like a strong person, when all my friends are having 2 and some of them go back for more and there I am, being "good". It's a very empowering feeling. But how can something that can make you feel like you've never been stronger, cripple you and make you so weak. We get so good at hiding it from others that we usually hide it from ourselves.

This is the part of the post I haven't been looking forward to. This past week since I posted last...emotionally I've been good I think. I did have a panic attack though, it was about a level 7 and after 3 hours I brought it down to a 3 or a 4. While I have been feeling ok, I haven't been eating much. Monday I didn't eat anything all day until after going to ballet for 3 hours, after that I had a smoothie. Yesterday I had half a sandwich and a slice of pizza. Today, for breakfast I had a hard boiled egg. If you'd like I can keep more careful track of what I'm eating and post that once a week. I'm still 5'4, my waist:24, hips: 35, bust: 32, thigh: 21, upper arm: 9 and I weight: 119...so, next week I'll keep a log of what I eat and post that, and I was glad to hear from people who read my last post that they were really inspired and I hope this post will get people thinking and help more people.

Keep fighting.

Hello

If you're coming here by yourself or from my other blog, The Mess, welcome. This is a more serious page about something I'm sensitive about but also think is very important for people to be aware of and such. This page is about my ongoing battle with anorexia nervosa. I have been in therapy and am getting better, but I have bad days, sometimes weeks. I know you're probably thinking I'm either doing this for attention or that this is a pro-anorexia page. Neither of these are true. I think I should give you a bit of the back story.

My therapist says I've had an eating disorder since around 1st grade. She asked me when I thought, for the first time, that I was fat and that I needed to fix that. I remember that day very vividly. I was in 1st grade and my mom was taking me home from school, I used to run a lot when I was little I raced all the guys and was obsessed with being faster than all of them. I ran to the car and asked my mom if the reason my thighs were bigger than everyone else's was because they were strong from my running and dancing. (I've also done ballet since kindergarten, but I'll get into that in a bit) She said that I was crazy and that I was really skinny, I weighed about 45/55 pounds in 1st grade I believe. I was a really tiny kid, I love my parents and my family so much, and they're getting healthy now and they look great but when I was younger, they were very overweight. I don't blame my family and I don't want this to hurt them, but I was always so scared to grow up and not be skinny. It terrified me the thought of gaining weight, still does. From that day on, I sucked in my stomach all the time, I lifted my stomach had perfect posture and never relaxed my stomach muscles except when I slept I suppose. I kept running and dancing and I was generally the skinniest girl in my class. Never felt uncomfortable or large in a ballet class, I was flat chested, had a bony butt and looked like a "classic" ballerina. I got into schools and was one of the great dancers in the classes.

Then I started puberty. I started very late, I got my first period towards the end of 8th grade and was a small B at my largest cup size. I weighed 95 pounds all through middle school and starting off in high school too. Then puberty reeally kicked in freshman year, I went up to a C cup and finally broke 100 pounds. I took a break from dance and my knees got injured from running so I couldn't run too much anymore. I got up to 130 but when I broke 100 I hated myself so much. I felt like such a failure. I just wanted to scratch and claw and pull out my hair and I wanted to eat so bad but I didn't. I would purposefully make myself depressed so I wouldn't feel like eating. For a while I didn't really eat anything but cheese and juice. A couple times I've lost like 5-10 pounds in a week or so...I felt horrible all the time. I wore baggy clothes cause I felt huge and I couldn't stand mirrors. When I went back to dance in sophomore year I felt fat all the time...I had D cups and a very curvy hour glass shape. Which I still have however currently, please know that it's difficult for me to share my weight because I still hate it, I'm 120 pounds, 5'4, and I am a 30D, but I have to wear 32's and 34's cause they don't make 30's. My waist measures 25 and my hips measure 35, I still feel fat. My BMI is 20.6. I am getting better but all I had to eat yesterday was a bagel, a smoothie and a rather small wrap. I eat a diet pill with every meal that takes fat that would be stored and uses it for energy so you can burn more fat. I've been at 120 for a while because since I do ballet seriously I'm mostly muscle.

I'm doing this to be one of the few sufferers of this disease that is totally up front about it...I don't want to hide anymore. I'll be posting here about once a week and tell you how I'm doing. Please feel free to email me at mduttongillett@gmail.com if you have questions or concerns.

Let's fight.