Hello

If you're coming here by yourself or from my other blog, The Mess, welcome. This is a more serious page about something I'm sensitive about but also think is very important for people to be aware of and such. This page is about my ongoing battle with anorexia nervosa. I have been in therapy and am getting better, but I have bad days, sometimes weeks. I know you're probably thinking I'm either doing this for attention or that this is a pro-anorexia page. Neither of these are true. I think I should give you a bit of the back story.

My therapist says I've had an eating disorder since around 1st grade. She asked me when I thought, for the first time, that I was fat and that I needed to fix that. I remember that day very vividly. I was in 1st grade and my mom was taking me home from school, I used to run a lot when I was little I raced all the guys and was obsessed with being faster than all of them. I ran to the car and asked my mom if the reason my thighs were bigger than everyone else's was because they were strong from my running and dancing. (I've also done ballet since kindergarten, but I'll get into that in a bit) She said that I was crazy and that I was really skinny, I weighed about 45/55 pounds in 1st grade I believe. I was a really tiny kid, I love my parents and my family so much, and they're getting healthy now and they look great but when I was younger, they were very overweight. I don't blame my family and I don't want this to hurt them, but I was always so scared to grow up and not be skinny. It terrified me the thought of gaining weight, still does. From that day on, I sucked in my stomach all the time, I lifted my stomach had perfect posture and never relaxed my stomach muscles except when I slept I suppose. I kept running and dancing and I was generally the skinniest girl in my class. Never felt uncomfortable or large in a ballet class, I was flat chested, had a bony butt and looked like a "classic" ballerina. I got into schools and was one of the great dancers in the classes.

Then I started puberty. I started very late, I got my first period towards the end of 8th grade and was a small B at my largest cup size. I weighed 95 pounds all through middle school and starting off in high school too. Then puberty reeally kicked in freshman year, I went up to a C cup and finally broke 100 pounds. I took a break from dance and my knees got injured from running so I couldn't run too much anymore. I got up to 130 but when I broke 100 I hated myself so much. I felt like such a failure. I just wanted to scratch and claw and pull out my hair and I wanted to eat so bad but I didn't. I would purposefully make myself depressed so I wouldn't feel like eating. For a while I didn't really eat anything but cheese and juice. A couple times I've lost like 5-10 pounds in a week or so...I felt horrible all the time. I wore baggy clothes cause I felt huge and I couldn't stand mirrors. When I went back to dance in sophomore year I felt fat all the time...I had D cups and a very curvy hour glass shape. Which I still have however currently, please know that it's difficult for me to share my weight because I still hate it, I'm 120 pounds, 5'4, and I am a 30D, but I have to wear 32's and 34's cause they don't make 30's. My waist measures 25 and my hips measure 35, I still feel fat. My BMI is 20.6. I am getting better but all I had to eat yesterday was a bagel, a smoothie and a rather small wrap. I eat a diet pill with every meal that takes fat that would be stored and uses it for energy so you can burn more fat. I've been at 120 for a while because since I do ballet seriously I'm mostly muscle.

I'm doing this to be one of the few sufferers of this disease that is totally up front about it...I don't want to hide anymore. I'll be posting here about once a week and tell you how I'm doing. Please feel free to email me at mduttongillett@gmail.com if you have questions or concerns.

Let's fight.