One of the worst parts of this disease is that it stains you for life. Even when you have recovered, you're not recovered. Even if you eat normally every day, if you'd gotten deep enough into this, you're permanently physically and emotionally injured. The effects are what scare me the most. I bruise easily, my hair falls out easily, when I trim my nails it can sometimes feel like cutting through butter. There are days when you feel normal, sometimes you feel strong, but under it all...you really are weak even if you're really good at hiding it. Also, while on the subject of strength, part of the problem is that being able to feel strong for resisting makes you think it's ok. I know when I choose to only have for example 1 slice of pizza as opposed to the norm of 2 I feel like a strong person, when all my friends are having 2 and some of them go back for more and there I am, being "good". It's a very empowering feeling. But how can something that can make you feel like you've never been stronger, cripple you and make you so weak. We get so good at hiding it from others that we usually hide it from ourselves.
This is the part of the post I haven't been looking forward to. This past week since I posted last...emotionally I've been good I think. I did have a panic attack though, it was about a level 7 and after 3 hours I brought it down to a 3 or a 4. While I have been feeling ok, I haven't been eating much. Monday I didn't eat anything all day until after going to ballet for 3 hours, after that I had a smoothie. Yesterday I had half a sandwich and a slice of pizza. Today, for breakfast I had a hard boiled egg. If you'd like I can keep more careful track of what I'm eating and post that once a week. I'm still 5'4, my waist:24, hips: 35, bust: 32, thigh: 21, upper arm: 9 and I weight: 119...so, next week I'll keep a log of what I eat and post that, and I was glad to hear from people who read my last post that they were really inspired and I hope this post will get people thinking and help more people.
Keep fighting.
Dear niece, I love you wholeheartedly. I want to know that in 60 years you and my daughter are strong, loved, happy and healthy women. Do now what you need to to get there. All else in between are stepping stones. I'm here for support. I'm here as a healthy female role model. I love you. Lean on me if you need. Love, Aunty L
ReplyDelete