I know I posted yesterday, but I need to vent...so I'm going out with a friend soon and I was trying to figure out what to wear. Every single outfit or piece of clothing I put on makes me look even fatter than I already am....I've changed my clothes 23 times, scratched myself with my nails hoping all this fat would go away if I clawed at it enough...I just....want to be perfect. I just feel like if I get to be the perfect size then my career as a ballet dancer will be so much easier, people will love me and I'll love myself...I feel like everywhere I go everyone looks at me and thinks "god, that girl's such a porker" I just feel so terribly fat and overweight all the time. I feel fat and gross and ugly. And all the art and things keep falling off the walls in my room and it makes me feel like I'm falling apart and I'm empty, they won't stay. My eating's starting to effect my hormones because normally I have 5 day long periods and the one I just had was only 3 days...my skin's acting up cause of it too. I've had this thinking in my brain for so long, I don't think I know what I look like anymore. My friends tell me that I'm really skinny but all I can see in the mirror is a cow. I want to see what I actually look like.
To be honest, I was doing decent for a while until something happened about half way through my summer and...something inside me just snapped and it was my last straw. It made me rethink if I ever want to get married or have kids. It just confirmed that I'll never be good enough for anyone. You'll all probably think this is disgusting but, I'm going to share my weight loss goals with you.
- weight goal: 105 lbs (c: 119)
- measurement goals: upper arm: 6.5/7.5 (current: 9.5), hips: 30 (c:35), upper thigh: 14.75 (c:22), calf: 10.5 (c:12.5)
so.....I just.....don't know what to do, I'm sort of having a break down at the moment. This still is an anti-ana page but that doesn't mean I don't have horrible goals and issues with it. Sorry for this rant ish thing....I just think you guys should see that I have really bad days, too.
I love you just the way you are. I love the person you are. The soul.
ReplyDeleteThis post makes me very scared for you.
Madeline, you don't need to change your appearance. Keep in mind that mirrors, because they flatten a 3-D image, add at least 10 pounds of apparent weight (which is not real weight)but messes with our perception. I hope you can consult with a dietian about a healthy diet so you will know that you're eating the right things. If your hormones are acting up and you skin is affected, then your body is trying to tell you that your mind isn't seeing things accurately. Let me know if I can be of any help.
ReplyDeleteHey Madeline,
ReplyDeleteAll women have days like that, where we try on everything in our closet, and everything makes us look like crap. That's just normal.
Check out these:
http://thechive.com/2010/12/08/leaked-celebrity-before-and-after-photoshop-pics-never-get-old-13-photos/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcFlxSlOKNI
The women we see in magazines don't exist in reality. Don't let your idea of perfect come from there.