My Opinion: Tumblr's New Self-Harm Policy

Hello you all, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while but I swear have several drafts that just never got finished!

So, as you may not know, I write for my school's online newspaper and one of the other journalists (Hannah Ellefritz) wrote about Tumblr's new policy on the promotion of self-harm, which they're defining as content promoting self-mutilation, suicide, and eating disorders.

As you can imagine I'm going to be primarily talking about my opinion regarding their new ban on the glorification of eating disorders. You probably think that I of all people think this is a great policy change, and I do in most respects. The reason Tumblr is just now updating their site with this policy is because they wanted the website to be a place where users can fully express themselves, their ideals, and their feelings regardless of the content.

Most of you probably know that I have a blog on Tumblr, I have 2 actually. One is my public page that I tell my friends about, but the other is a blog promoting my eating disorder. I reblog thinspiration pictures and my progress; well, I used to. I am subscribed to a lot of thinspiration blogs on Tumblr even though I eat relatively normally now and I still reblog some of the pictures they post because even though I know it's unhealthy I think it's beautiful and that's still what I want my body to be.

When I heard about this policy change, I will admit, I felt worried, sad, and anxious. I've been fighting with anorexia for a long time and this past year or so...it's been taken away from me. Yes, anorexia is terrible and I felt weak all the time, but it's a part of me. It's a part of who I've been for the majority of my life. I've grown accustomed to hating myself and the way I look and that became my life, it still is my life. Now I go about the whole thing in a healthier way but...I'll be honest, it's hard to have this taken away.

Whenever I logged onto Tumblr and I saw all those perfect girls I felt somewhat comforted. Now, my blog will probably be taken down along with all the thinspiration blogs I follow. I do think this is a good policy change and it will probably help to prevent people like me from relapsing, I feel a strong sense of loss.

Please don't think that I'm against this change. I don't think that thinspiration, self-mutilation, suicide, or any other self-harm should be promoted or glorified. It just may take me a while to "recover" from losing this part of my life entirely. Losing those pictures, that community of people who are all going through exactly what you're going through. I'll get over it. Hopefully this policy helps everyone with this disorder and prevents future  men and women from having this terrible disease.

If you'd like to read the article on the M-A Bear News website, click here.

My New Life

I thought you all should know what's been happening in my life within this first week of recovery. Let's start off with my rules/suggestions set by my doctor and therapist:

1. No exercise outside of ballet (going to the gym, etc)
2. 6 small meals a day, I usually end up getting 5 due to my schedule (breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, post-ballet snack)
3. At least 4 of my meals must have a protein 
4. My meals must be supervised (either eaten with my parents or someone who my parents trust must tell them what I ate)
5. I need to keep a food log
6. My new therapist suggests that I may not be stable enough to be in a relationship based on this problem and others that I've told her about 
7. Weekly weight-checks at the doctors office (includes urine samples, blood pressure checks a plenty, and I have to put on a gown to be weighed to ensure I haven't planted weights in my clothes)
8. My meals need to be on a clock, I have to eat at that time whether I'm hungry or not

Those are all the one's I can think of that I have to follow, it's been very very difficult. I'm going to see my new nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders this upcoming Friday, I'm really looking forward to that! My numbers on Monday, apparently, made my doctor very nervous but guess what...my numbers on Friday were better. Not as good as they maybe could be, but still....improvement, she's not so nervous anymore. When they weigh me they make me step on the scale backwards so I don't see the weight, that kills me. Honestly I don't know how much I weigh right now, and it really bothers me. I know it's great that I'm getting better but....I know I'm gaining. I'm still terrified of the amount of food I have to eat. I put on a brave face at meal times and make it seem like I'm totally fine, and I've stopped taking my diet pills which took a big push on my part but...I don't know. 

Honestly, the only reasons I eat now are 1) so I can dance (my teacher didn't let me go through my whole class on Monday when I told her what happened that day) and 2) so I'm allowed to go to the gym again. My therapist had me tell her my goals for my weight and I told her in an ideal world I'd be 105 lbs, but with all the muscle I have-that's impossible. So I told her that with reality in mind I'd like to be 110/115 lbs. She said 110 might be a stretch but she doesn't see why I can't lose 10 lbs and be 115:) Not going to lie, I was stoked when I heard that one of the goal weights I have that I'd be ok with is healthy! While I honestly do not want to eat, I'm going to have to. Some days are worse than other but...I'm going to push through.

Right now...I'm determined to be 115 lbs. I'm going to get there in a healthy way. I'm going to get to wherever my doctor and all those people need me to be so I can go to the gym, and eat healthy. My nutritionist will hopefully be a big help and...I just hope I don't fall. I hope I can do this in a healthy way instead of starving myself. I want my period to go back to normal and I want my hair to stop falling out and I want my nails to not break so easily and I want to not bruise so easily. I'll get all that. I'll get to my goals in a healthy way. 

I just hope you all understand that it'll take a long time for me to recover...I still don't eat too much and I'm trying to work up to being able to have more than 800 calories a day without feeling sick. 

Thank you all for the support, it means a lot. 

-Madeline

P.S. Starting in October I'm going to be in a support group of 3 girls, including myself, who struggle with the same things I do...:)

this is odd.

So...I just got back from ballet class not too long ago, got home washed up a bit and came here....I started looking at my thinspo feed on Tumblr and I started my daily ritual of sitting/standing on/by my bed in my underwear and just standing there looking at myself in the mirror. Pointing out everything about my body that should change. I literally do this everyday, sometimes I'll do it on and off for hours. Not because I'm vain-no not at all, but because I feel like if I look at all the things about my body that I hate so much for long enough and wish hard enough...I feel like maybe they'll go away faster.
Thursday, I started a rather....extreme diet. I'm not too comfortable saying what this diet is simply because I know a ton of people read this blog now. (thank you very much for all the support, but make sure this blog gets to everyone who needs some help as well) But, I've already lost a pound or two from it and I've been working out like crazy. I've been having around 400 calories, generally a tad less, per day in this diet and...I haven't been hungry. That's what worries me a tad.
But anyway, I was looking in the mirror during my "ritual" and obviously during ballet class as well and....for the first time in a while, I felt the smallest hint of self-acceptance. Of course it didn't last for long before I felt so ashamed I went and put a bunch of baggy clothes on but....for the smallest instances this morning. I felt pretty. I felt like I'd reached my goal, even though I haven't by a long shot...
I just hope this might mean I'm starting to heal...just maybe, I thought I'd share this with you all:)

-Madeline

P.S. I'll keep you posted on whether I keep feeling better or worse again.

Community

So, I have something to talk about. This is why a lot of anorexics like myself never get better, or at least have a very very hard time getting better. The community that comes with it. In normal society, I know I feel like nobody understands my need to be thin. When I try and talk about it with my friends about it, they just tell me "just eat" like it's easy. Eating is one of the most painful, embarrassing, and disgusting things in my life. I'm not bulimic but, honestly..when I eat around people or I see people eating, it makes me feel physically sick and I sometimes have to throw up cause I just can't help it. It's like when you see/smell something really gross and suddenly have to vomit. But, when you go on Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube, Blogspot, anywhere, there's a community of people who think the same way you do.

You can post that your doing a liquid fast, for example, and people will comment and do it with you. When you post that you've lost weight or gotten to one of your goal weights, even though you're doing it in an unhealthy way, everyone's so happy for you. You post progress pictures and your favorite thinspo's and people support them entirely. They don't force you to eat, in face , they almost encourage you not to...which yes-isn't healthy...but it's support and they understand when you're having a hard time and they understand when you've eaten that day and feel like a failure. The support system, however unhealthy, in the world of eating disorders is massive.

This is why it's so hard to leave these people, you grow to care about them, and you want to know when they reach their goal weights and when they're having days where they feel like they can't do it, and they feel the same about you. It makes you feel so good about yourself. It makes you feel like you're not alone.

Sorry.

I'm so terribly sorry for not posting for so long, I've really wanted to but having this blog and having these thoughts I have in the front of my mind all the time cause I'm trying to figure out what I should post about next made everything way worse. I'll just post when I feel I really have something to talk about. '

Love
-Madeline

Stains

One of the worst parts of this disease is that it stains you for life. Even when you have recovered, you're not recovered. Even if you eat normally every day, if you'd gotten deep enough into this, you're permanently physically and emotionally injured. The effects are what scare me the most. I bruise easily, my hair falls out easily, when I trim my nails it can sometimes feel like cutting through butter. There are days when you feel normal, sometimes you feel strong, but under it all...you really are weak even if you're really good at hiding it. Also, while on the subject of strength, part of the problem is that being able to feel strong for resisting makes you think it's ok. I know when I choose to only have for example 1 slice of pizza as opposed to the norm of 2 I feel like a strong person, when all my friends are having 2 and some of them go back for more and there I am, being "good". It's a very empowering feeling. But how can something that can make you feel like you've never been stronger, cripple you and make you so weak. We get so good at hiding it from others that we usually hide it from ourselves.

This is the part of the post I haven't been looking forward to. This past week since I posted last...emotionally I've been good I think. I did have a panic attack though, it was about a level 7 and after 3 hours I brought it down to a 3 or a 4. While I have been feeling ok, I haven't been eating much. Monday I didn't eat anything all day until after going to ballet for 3 hours, after that I had a smoothie. Yesterday I had half a sandwich and a slice of pizza. Today, for breakfast I had a hard boiled egg. If you'd like I can keep more careful track of what I'm eating and post that once a week. I'm still 5'4, my waist:24, hips: 35, bust: 32, thigh: 21, upper arm: 9 and I weight: 119...so, next week I'll keep a log of what I eat and post that, and I was glad to hear from people who read my last post that they were really inspired and I hope this post will get people thinking and help more people.

Keep fighting.