Merry Christmas and Updates/Apologies

Merry Christmas to all! I hope you all have had a lovely day and that you continue to have a splendid holiday season:)

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, my laptop finally kicked the bucket shortly after my last post and I haven't really had enough access to another computer to post:( Luckily, my parents gave into my pleas for a new laptop for Christmas and this one will not die anytime soon if I have anything to say about it!

So, recently I finished the 1st half of my junior year! 3 A's, a B and a C! That B used to be a C but I pulled it up, so I'm pretty happy about all that! Also, I finished my show that I was in but sadly at the beginning of my last dance (which I finished!) I sprained the joint in the middle of my left foot where all the bones connect:( Due to this injury I had to miss out on doing my solo dance at a winter arts festival, but I only have a little over a week till I hopefully get out of my immobilizing boot and crutches. Thank God. Something really exciting for me also happened having to do with the show I was in; an article was written about me and my dancing in the online website "InMenlo." That was really exciting and you can click here to read that! *after you've finished reading this post of course;)

As far as my eating/self-image goes, the group therapy I was in just ended a little while ago and it went so well we're starting up again next month. I feel like I learned a lot from it and it wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it'd be. The group focused a lot on what we thought women were/what women should be and how we view ourselves. It also really focused on being mindful and stopping the cycle of stress/self-hate. I learned how to eat and breathe mindfully and how to take steps to try and prevent the end result of stress for me: not eating.

Despite all this I still find myself being very uncomfortable with how I look and now I can't even de-stress by dancing going to the gym to work out due to my injury. I try to keep telling myself I'm fine but I really don't feel it, and as much as I don't want to eat the majority of the time I do. I have found that I've really hated wearing form-fitting clothing and always end up wearing a giant sweatshirt and jeans. The other day I practically had a break down because I wanted to look nice and wear something pretty but I didn't feel comfortable in anything but baggy, drapey clothes.

I suppose this is a journey, just like anything else, hopefully I'll be able to dance and work out again soon and I won't freak out so much.

Happy Holidays<3
Madeline

Group

Hello again all! Quick update on my physical health: My vitals have continued to be stable and are improving, I've seen my nutritionist twice now and my new therapist 3 times, and my doctor countless times! I earned 1 work out back a few weeks ago (30 minute run and 15 minutes of weights) and last time I went I earned another! I decided to move that to go for 1 work out a week at the gym but for longer (45 minute run and 15 minutes of weights) I really wanna work up to an hour of running again....I miss it<3 Since my body's been getting what it needs I've gained soo much muscle-it's ridiculous(ly awesome)

 I love feeling healthy and not feeling as though I'm about to faint all the time but at the same time I can't help but to occasionally enjoy the familiar numbing feeling of hunger...

SO. To the main point of this post, tomorrow I start going to group sessions. If I remember correctly the group has 3 other girls besides me (don't quote me on that) and it's not specifically for teens with eating disorders but for teens who have serious body image issues and could be approaching serious eating disorders or have already fallen into the trap of eating disorders. That's me!

I'm not gonna lie...I'm nervous, I am a little worried that possibly hearing the other girls talk about their experience and talking about mine might trigger me. Just the thought of hearing how much weight the other girls may have lost compared to how much I'd lost, freaks me out and makes me wanna lose more. I also admit that I do skip the occasional meal/snack when I'm feeling depressed just because I honestly can't handle food when I'm depressed-it stresses me out to no end to eat.

Sigh...I'm tired, it's been a busy and amazing weekend that I will never forget! I'll post when I can and tell you all how group went.

-Madeline

Community

So, I have something to talk about. This is why a lot of anorexics like myself never get better, or at least have a very very hard time getting better. The community that comes with it. In normal society, I know I feel like nobody understands my need to be thin. When I try and talk about it with my friends about it, they just tell me "just eat" like it's easy. Eating is one of the most painful, embarrassing, and disgusting things in my life. I'm not bulimic but, honestly..when I eat around people or I see people eating, it makes me feel physically sick and I sometimes have to throw up cause I just can't help it. It's like when you see/smell something really gross and suddenly have to vomit. But, when you go on Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube, Blogspot, anywhere, there's a community of people who think the same way you do.

You can post that your doing a liquid fast, for example, and people will comment and do it with you. When you post that you've lost weight or gotten to one of your goal weights, even though you're doing it in an unhealthy way, everyone's so happy for you. You post progress pictures and your favorite thinspo's and people support them entirely. They don't force you to eat, in face , they almost encourage you not to...which yes-isn't healthy...but it's support and they understand when you're having a hard time and they understand when you've eaten that day and feel like a failure. The support system, however unhealthy, in the world of eating disorders is massive.

This is why it's so hard to leave these people, you grow to care about them, and you want to know when they reach their goal weights and when they're having days where they feel like they can't do it, and they feel the same about you. It makes you feel so good about yourself. It makes you feel like you're not alone.