Mirages

Today....I'm not at school...I'm going to try to go later but right now, I'm laying in bed and I feel weak. I woke up with a horrible pain in my stomach and I feel like throwing up. I texted my dad that I didn't feel well and he came in and I thought maybe it was something I ate. He asked what I had to eat yesterday and I knew I didn't have breakfast, and we all went to the Indian restaurant near my house for Sunday lunch, and then I asked what we'd had for dinner cause I thought I'd had dinner. He reminded me that I wasn't with them for dinner, I'd left the house to go to the park. My mind had actually tricked me into thinking I'd eaten more than I had. This actually happens all the time, I always think I've had a meal when I actually haven't, this makes it even easier to pretend I don't have a problem.

Yesterday, I went to an hour and a half long advanced ballet class on an empty stomach. I came back, ate a granola bar then went to the gym and ran 5 miles in an hour, came home ate nothing. I came out of my room to go out with one of my friends and my parents are making dinner. I said I was going out and they asked if I'd be eating with my friend. I said I would and they told me someone had sent them the link to this blog.....I got mad, asked them who and when they wouldn't tell me I stormed out slamming the door and the gate behind me. I did eat with my friend. I ate a lot more than I generally would've and brought home proof that I ate (the box my tuna sandwich came in). I came home late, when I said I'd be home early, and my dad was sitting there with a pile of research on the female athlete triad and how many calories are required to survive.

The female athlete triad are the 3 things becoming increasingly common among female athletes. They are 1)eating disorders 2)loss of a menstrual cycle and 3)bone loss. As you know I have number 1 already, and I have a low degree of number 2, my period decreased my 2 days.  So...now I'm paranoid I'm going to hurt my bones. It also said that a less active person needs at least 600 calories a day to survive. I do tons of ballet and Saturday I ran 5 miles in an hour...I'm very active...so...technically if I keep going like this...I probably won't survive. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. But I'm going to get help...

My parents are going to try to get me into an eating disorder support group so I can get help. I need to lay down but...I just thought you all would like to know.

-Madeline

this is odd.

So...I just got back from ballet class not too long ago, got home washed up a bit and came here....I started looking at my thinspo feed on Tumblr and I started my daily ritual of sitting/standing on/by my bed in my underwear and just standing there looking at myself in the mirror. Pointing out everything about my body that should change. I literally do this everyday, sometimes I'll do it on and off for hours. Not because I'm vain-no not at all, but because I feel like if I look at all the things about my body that I hate so much for long enough and wish hard enough...I feel like maybe they'll go away faster.
Thursday, I started a rather....extreme diet. I'm not too comfortable saying what this diet is simply because I know a ton of people read this blog now. (thank you very much for all the support, but make sure this blog gets to everyone who needs some help as well) But, I've already lost a pound or two from it and I've been working out like crazy. I've been having around 400 calories, generally a tad less, per day in this diet and...I haven't been hungry. That's what worries me a tad.
But anyway, I was looking in the mirror during my "ritual" and obviously during ballet class as well and....for the first time in a while, I felt the smallest hint of self-acceptance. Of course it didn't last for long before I felt so ashamed I went and put a bunch of baggy clothes on but....for the smallest instances this morning. I felt pretty. I felt like I'd reached my goal, even though I haven't by a long shot...
I just hope this might mean I'm starting to heal...just maybe, I thought I'd share this with you all:)

-Madeline

P.S. I'll keep you posted on whether I keep feeling better or worse again.