Hopelessness

I don't know how to start this. I'm just mad, and upset, and I feel...well, hopeless.

Everyone always tells me that my perception of beauty is warped and I agree...but I only agree because clearly it's warped from what common society thinks is beautiful. 

My friends, family, and boyfriend all tell me how beautiful they think I am, and I'm sure that, to them, I am; but I've never been beautiful to myself and I honestly don't think I ever will be. I do everything right. I eat what I'm supposed to, I exercise...I do what I'm supposed to. No matter how much I do to lose weight and try to get to the me that I've wanted to be my whole life, I look in the mirror and want to scream and cry and just...stop existing because I don't see the point of living in a body that I don't want. A body that I never asked for. A body that isn't beautiful, or skinny, or worth anything. I see my body as a shell that I'm forced to be in. I just don't see a way out because no matter how much I exercise and eat right...it never gets better. No matter how much I do these things I still stand in front of the mirror and think about how unbelievably fat I am. 

My default for thinking this has always been, "Oh, just kidding...I'm curvy." I never really believed it but, every time I look in a mirror and try to tell myself that I'm just a woman, and this is how women look...I can't help but think of the women who are actually perfect. The women my family look at and think that they're gross and unhealthy...those are the women I truly think are beautiful. They're the women I would give up so much to be like. If I were like them, I would get into a ballet company, and I wouldn't sit at my computer crying and blogging about how much I hate myself because...I'd actually be happy if I were like them. 

But still...I go on driving myself insane trying to fix myself even though it'll never fucking work. Even though I know I'll never achieve my dreams. Even though I know that I'll never be like those girls no matter how hard I work or how much I deserve it. Even though...I'll never love myself. 

This is just the way it is. I can't help it. I've tried to stop thinking about these things and find some semblance of inner peace and self-acceptance but....neither of those things exist within me...and that's how I'll end up living forever. 

A person trapped inside a fat body that will never have hope. 

-Madeline

P.S. I'm having a terrible day and I just don't have the strength to hide my feelings about this like I usually do...thanks for listening.

My Opinion: Tumblr's New Self-Harm Policy

Hello you all, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while but I swear have several drafts that just never got finished!

So, as you may not know, I write for my school's online newspaper and one of the other journalists (Hannah Ellefritz) wrote about Tumblr's new policy on the promotion of self-harm, which they're defining as content promoting self-mutilation, suicide, and eating disorders.

As you can imagine I'm going to be primarily talking about my opinion regarding their new ban on the glorification of eating disorders. You probably think that I of all people think this is a great policy change, and I do in most respects. The reason Tumblr is just now updating their site with this policy is because they wanted the website to be a place where users can fully express themselves, their ideals, and their feelings regardless of the content.

Most of you probably know that I have a blog on Tumblr, I have 2 actually. One is my public page that I tell my friends about, but the other is a blog promoting my eating disorder. I reblog thinspiration pictures and my progress; well, I used to. I am subscribed to a lot of thinspiration blogs on Tumblr even though I eat relatively normally now and I still reblog some of the pictures they post because even though I know it's unhealthy I think it's beautiful and that's still what I want my body to be.

When I heard about this policy change, I will admit, I felt worried, sad, and anxious. I've been fighting with anorexia for a long time and this past year or so...it's been taken away from me. Yes, anorexia is terrible and I felt weak all the time, but it's a part of me. It's a part of who I've been for the majority of my life. I've grown accustomed to hating myself and the way I look and that became my life, it still is my life. Now I go about the whole thing in a healthier way but...I'll be honest, it's hard to have this taken away.

Whenever I logged onto Tumblr and I saw all those perfect girls I felt somewhat comforted. Now, my blog will probably be taken down along with all the thinspiration blogs I follow. I do think this is a good policy change and it will probably help to prevent people like me from relapsing, I feel a strong sense of loss.

Please don't think that I'm against this change. I don't think that thinspiration, self-mutilation, suicide, or any other self-harm should be promoted or glorified. It just may take me a while to "recover" from losing this part of my life entirely. Losing those pictures, that community of people who are all going through exactly what you're going through. I'll get over it. Hopefully this policy helps everyone with this disorder and prevents future  men and women from having this terrible disease.

If you'd like to read the article on the M-A Bear News website, click here.

Merry Christmas and Updates/Apologies

Merry Christmas to all! I hope you all have had a lovely day and that you continue to have a splendid holiday season:)

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, my laptop finally kicked the bucket shortly after my last post and I haven't really had enough access to another computer to post:( Luckily, my parents gave into my pleas for a new laptop for Christmas and this one will not die anytime soon if I have anything to say about it!

So, recently I finished the 1st half of my junior year! 3 A's, a B and a C! That B used to be a C but I pulled it up, so I'm pretty happy about all that! Also, I finished my show that I was in but sadly at the beginning of my last dance (which I finished!) I sprained the joint in the middle of my left foot where all the bones connect:( Due to this injury I had to miss out on doing my solo dance at a winter arts festival, but I only have a little over a week till I hopefully get out of my immobilizing boot and crutches. Thank God. Something really exciting for me also happened having to do with the show I was in; an article was written about me and my dancing in the online website "InMenlo." That was really exciting and you can click here to read that! *after you've finished reading this post of course;)

As far as my eating/self-image goes, the group therapy I was in just ended a little while ago and it went so well we're starting up again next month. I feel like I learned a lot from it and it wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it'd be. The group focused a lot on what we thought women were/what women should be and how we view ourselves. It also really focused on being mindful and stopping the cycle of stress/self-hate. I learned how to eat and breathe mindfully and how to take steps to try and prevent the end result of stress for me: not eating.

Despite all this I still find myself being very uncomfortable with how I look and now I can't even de-stress by dancing going to the gym to work out due to my injury. I try to keep telling myself I'm fine but I really don't feel it, and as much as I don't want to eat the majority of the time I do. I have found that I've really hated wearing form-fitting clothing and always end up wearing a giant sweatshirt and jeans. The other day I practically had a break down because I wanted to look nice and wear something pretty but I didn't feel comfortable in anything but baggy, drapey clothes.

I suppose this is a journey, just like anything else, hopefully I'll be able to dance and work out again soon and I won't freak out so much.

Happy Holidays<3
Madeline

Group

Hello again all! Quick update on my physical health: My vitals have continued to be stable and are improving, I've seen my nutritionist twice now and my new therapist 3 times, and my doctor countless times! I earned 1 work out back a few weeks ago (30 minute run and 15 minutes of weights) and last time I went I earned another! I decided to move that to go for 1 work out a week at the gym but for longer (45 minute run and 15 minutes of weights) I really wanna work up to an hour of running again....I miss it<3 Since my body's been getting what it needs I've gained soo much muscle-it's ridiculous(ly awesome)

 I love feeling healthy and not feeling as though I'm about to faint all the time but at the same time I can't help but to occasionally enjoy the familiar numbing feeling of hunger...

SO. To the main point of this post, tomorrow I start going to group sessions. If I remember correctly the group has 3 other girls besides me (don't quote me on that) and it's not specifically for teens with eating disorders but for teens who have serious body image issues and could be approaching serious eating disorders or have already fallen into the trap of eating disorders. That's me!

I'm not gonna lie...I'm nervous, I am a little worried that possibly hearing the other girls talk about their experience and talking about mine might trigger me. Just the thought of hearing how much weight the other girls may have lost compared to how much I'd lost, freaks me out and makes me wanna lose more. I also admit that I do skip the occasional meal/snack when I'm feeling depressed just because I honestly can't handle food when I'm depressed-it stresses me out to no end to eat.

Sigh...I'm tired, it's been a busy and amazing weekend that I will never forget! I'll post when I can and tell you all how group went.

-Madeline

My New Life

I thought you all should know what's been happening in my life within this first week of recovery. Let's start off with my rules/suggestions set by my doctor and therapist:

1. No exercise outside of ballet (going to the gym, etc)
2. 6 small meals a day, I usually end up getting 5 due to my schedule (breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, post-ballet snack)
3. At least 4 of my meals must have a protein 
4. My meals must be supervised (either eaten with my parents or someone who my parents trust must tell them what I ate)
5. I need to keep a food log
6. My new therapist suggests that I may not be stable enough to be in a relationship based on this problem and others that I've told her about 
7. Weekly weight-checks at the doctors office (includes urine samples, blood pressure checks a plenty, and I have to put on a gown to be weighed to ensure I haven't planted weights in my clothes)
8. My meals need to be on a clock, I have to eat at that time whether I'm hungry or not

Those are all the one's I can think of that I have to follow, it's been very very difficult. I'm going to see my new nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders this upcoming Friday, I'm really looking forward to that! My numbers on Monday, apparently, made my doctor very nervous but guess what...my numbers on Friday were better. Not as good as they maybe could be, but still....improvement, she's not so nervous anymore. When they weigh me they make me step on the scale backwards so I don't see the weight, that kills me. Honestly I don't know how much I weigh right now, and it really bothers me. I know it's great that I'm getting better but....I know I'm gaining. I'm still terrified of the amount of food I have to eat. I put on a brave face at meal times and make it seem like I'm totally fine, and I've stopped taking my diet pills which took a big push on my part but...I don't know. 

Honestly, the only reasons I eat now are 1) so I can dance (my teacher didn't let me go through my whole class on Monday when I told her what happened that day) and 2) so I'm allowed to go to the gym again. My therapist had me tell her my goals for my weight and I told her in an ideal world I'd be 105 lbs, but with all the muscle I have-that's impossible. So I told her that with reality in mind I'd like to be 110/115 lbs. She said 110 might be a stretch but she doesn't see why I can't lose 10 lbs and be 115:) Not going to lie, I was stoked when I heard that one of the goal weights I have that I'd be ok with is healthy! While I honestly do not want to eat, I'm going to have to. Some days are worse than other but...I'm going to push through.

Right now...I'm determined to be 115 lbs. I'm going to get there in a healthy way. I'm going to get to wherever my doctor and all those people need me to be so I can go to the gym, and eat healthy. My nutritionist will hopefully be a big help and...I just hope I don't fall. I hope I can do this in a healthy way instead of starving myself. I want my period to go back to normal and I want my hair to stop falling out and I want my nails to not break so easily and I want to not bruise so easily. I'll get all that. I'll get to my goals in a healthy way. 

I just hope you all understand that it'll take a long time for me to recover...I still don't eat too much and I'm trying to work up to being able to have more than 800 calories a day without feeling sick. 

Thank you all for the support, it means a lot. 

-Madeline

P.S. Starting in October I'm going to be in a support group of 3 girls, including myself, who struggle with the same things I do...:)

Mirages

Today....I'm not at school...I'm going to try to go later but right now, I'm laying in bed and I feel weak. I woke up with a horrible pain in my stomach and I feel like throwing up. I texted my dad that I didn't feel well and he came in and I thought maybe it was something I ate. He asked what I had to eat yesterday and I knew I didn't have breakfast, and we all went to the Indian restaurant near my house for Sunday lunch, and then I asked what we'd had for dinner cause I thought I'd had dinner. He reminded me that I wasn't with them for dinner, I'd left the house to go to the park. My mind had actually tricked me into thinking I'd eaten more than I had. This actually happens all the time, I always think I've had a meal when I actually haven't, this makes it even easier to pretend I don't have a problem.

Yesterday, I went to an hour and a half long advanced ballet class on an empty stomach. I came back, ate a granola bar then went to the gym and ran 5 miles in an hour, came home ate nothing. I came out of my room to go out with one of my friends and my parents are making dinner. I said I was going out and they asked if I'd be eating with my friend. I said I would and they told me someone had sent them the link to this blog.....I got mad, asked them who and when they wouldn't tell me I stormed out slamming the door and the gate behind me. I did eat with my friend. I ate a lot more than I generally would've and brought home proof that I ate (the box my tuna sandwich came in). I came home late, when I said I'd be home early, and my dad was sitting there with a pile of research on the female athlete triad and how many calories are required to survive.

The female athlete triad are the 3 things becoming increasingly common among female athletes. They are 1)eating disorders 2)loss of a menstrual cycle and 3)bone loss. As you know I have number 1 already, and I have a low degree of number 2, my period decreased my 2 days.  So...now I'm paranoid I'm going to hurt my bones. It also said that a less active person needs at least 600 calories a day to survive. I do tons of ballet and Saturday I ran 5 miles in an hour...I'm very active...so...technically if I keep going like this...I probably won't survive. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. But I'm going to get help...

My parents are going to try to get me into an eating disorder support group so I can get help. I need to lay down but...I just thought you all would like to know.

-Madeline

this is odd.

So...I just got back from ballet class not too long ago, got home washed up a bit and came here....I started looking at my thinspo feed on Tumblr and I started my daily ritual of sitting/standing on/by my bed in my underwear and just standing there looking at myself in the mirror. Pointing out everything about my body that should change. I literally do this everyday, sometimes I'll do it on and off for hours. Not because I'm vain-no not at all, but because I feel like if I look at all the things about my body that I hate so much for long enough and wish hard enough...I feel like maybe they'll go away faster.
Thursday, I started a rather....extreme diet. I'm not too comfortable saying what this diet is simply because I know a ton of people read this blog now. (thank you very much for all the support, but make sure this blog gets to everyone who needs some help as well) But, I've already lost a pound or two from it and I've been working out like crazy. I've been having around 400 calories, generally a tad less, per day in this diet and...I haven't been hungry. That's what worries me a tad.
But anyway, I was looking in the mirror during my "ritual" and obviously during ballet class as well and....for the first time in a while, I felt the smallest hint of self-acceptance. Of course it didn't last for long before I felt so ashamed I went and put a bunch of baggy clothes on but....for the smallest instances this morning. I felt pretty. I felt like I'd reached my goal, even though I haven't by a long shot...
I just hope this might mean I'm starting to heal...just maybe, I thought I'd share this with you all:)

-Madeline

P.S. I'll keep you posted on whether I keep feeling better or worse again.